Edmonton’s pub culture is dying. In the past five years we have seen a slow but steady decline in the number of drinking establishments that can properly call themselves pubs. This isn’t to say that the pubs themselves have disappeared. Many still exist in the same location. However, they merely call themselves pubs in spite of the fact that they have become something other than true pubs. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing and they aren’t fooling anybody. Some of us come from cities with vibrant, diverse bar scenes where bar owners realize that there is room for everyone. It makes living in Edmonton very difficult.

Admittedly, the competition in Edmonton is fierce. “The Copper Mile” should rightly be called “The Drunken Mile” due to the number of bars along Whyte Avenue. The problem is that everybody is trying to compete by chasing after the same crowd and doing exactly the same things. Imagine that a city’s bar scene is like a hockey team. In most cities, a number of skilled players (bars) will compete to play each of the positions (niches) and they will focus on playing just that position. This makes for a winning team. In Edmonton, everybody tries to play the forward positions, competing among themselves for centre ice. Only a few skinny, uncoordinated band geeks, who can barely skate, even attempt to play the other positions on the team.* * As a result, Team Edmonton is losing and losing badly.

As Lenin famously asked, “What is to be done?”
“Well, let’s talk about that,” as Alfred N. Tyce less famously suggested.

There is a bar in Halifax, Nova Scotia called Tom’s Little Havana. It is, perhaps, the finest bar in creation (if you’ll forgive the slight hyperbole). For our purposes we may call it a perfect pub. We submit Tom’s Little Havana as a template for what should happen in Edmonton to revitalize its dying pub culture (“What is ‘pub culture’?” you may be stupidly asking. Read on and you will find out). We call out to some enterprising man or woman to open a bar and bring about a Tom’s Little Havanafication in Edmonton. We are willing to bet a month’s wages that your venture will be successful. All you must do is follow the following formula:
• Location: You may have a lovely bar but if you open it in the middle of nowhere (or the middle of skid row) your business will not thrive. Try for somewhere on or near Whyte Avenue or Jasper Avenue. It doesn’t have to be right on the Avenues. In fact, your business will benefit from being a street or two removed from the main drags as this will allow you to provide a small patio for patrons to enjoy their drinks and the evening air without suffering the din and dust of traffic and being harassed by panhandlers or jersey wearing dipshits on their way to watch “the game”.
• Size: This does matter but not in the way that you think it does. “Cozy” is our watchword here. Big is not better. Anybody with a passing knowledge of crowd psychology can tell you why. Your servers, standing at the bar, should have a clear line of sight to all tables in the establishment. Your bar should hold roughly twelve tables. At least two of these tables should provide an “intimate area” for a person to enjoy a date with another person, and the other tables should seat at least four people, while making sure that it is possible to put tables together to accommodate crowds of six or eight. “The bar” should accommodate five or six people comfortably. A booth or two are also nice. If you want a large capacity space, you’re not our kind of person, but more importantly you should think about this: a smaller space (especially if it isn’t right on the avenue) will mean less rent and more money in your pocket.
• Music: Any idiot without hearing damage can tell you what is an appropriate volume for your music. Too low makes for a sombre and depressing atmosphere. Too loud will make your customers leave early. Remember: Your patrons are there because they enjoy conversation and the company of their fellows. They will not spend the evening texting people who aren’t there and ignoring those that are. A proper music volume is vital to allow this conversation. Forget the old wives tale of bar management that loud music makes people drink more. It simply doesn’t. They will drink more because they enjoy your bar and they enjoy drinking, not because the music is loud. Loud music will make them leave. The guys that like loud, ear-bleedingly bad music don’t drink that much. They’re saving their money for clothes, phone upgrades, and stereo systems for their $30,000 trucks. The girls that like that music want to dance. Do you have a dance floor? Nope. The type of music you play is equally important. Be aware of your crowd. It is safe to say that a multi-disc player with at least one Rolling Stones album will not go amiss. Mix it up a bit, but don’t get carried away. NO LIVE MUSIC! You don’t have the venue for this. Most of this live music consists of some dude with a Casio and a saxophone doing Van Morrison covers. Don’t go there.
• Atmosphere: Strive for a clean, well-lighted place (there’s a good name for your bar too, A Clean, Well-Lighted Place (you don’t even have to think up a name!)). Do you know what “well-lighted” means (You’re probably thinking, “Shouldn’t that be ‘well-lit’?” You are wrong)? Warm, soft lighting is what you need. You want clean, but not anti-septic. Avoid too much metal. Nobody wants to feel like they’re in a hospital, or a Tim Horton’s. Wood is good. Go for dark brown colours.
• Beer and Drinks: TAKE CARE OF YOUR LINES! Make sure that they are clean and well-maintained. Why would somebody want to pay up to $6 for a skunky, flat beer? Offer a good selection of beer. Nobody in your place wants to drink Molson Canadian or Kokanee. Make sure that your staff are true mixologists. Nothing is more depressing than asking for a Mint Julep or a White Russian and receiving a blank stare. Have at least one good Scotch and one good whiskey available. They will be used.
• Food: Have a small but tasty and interesting menu. Make sure that the items are easy to prepare. Have a competent cook. If the cook is off sick make sure that your manager can cover the basics. Don’t turn people away hungry. If your cook is sick a lot. Get a new cook.
• Staff: Ideally, you should be an owner/operator. The money that you would have to pay to someone else will go right into your pocket. But know what you’re doing. If you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t want to be in the trenches, hire somebody who is capable of managing your bar and make sure that they are there enough to keep an eye on things. Such things would include your staff. Do they know what they’re doing? Make sure that he/she (the manager) has made sure. Surly servers are only funny on “Seinfeld”. Nobody really likes them. There should be three servers (including yourself or your manager) at peak periods. That’s four tables per server and easily manageable. Waiting fifteen to twenty minutes for a drink is a sure way to make a person want to go home and drink. Scantily clad waitresses are fine for some places, but remember that yours is not one of those places. A woman can be attractive, even sexy, and attract customers without demeaning her by making her dress like a prostitute. If you doubt us, we will send you pictures that will prove this. We would like them to be friendly and competent rather than creating the illusion that they might fuck us.
• TV: NO TVs! NONE! NOT EVEN ONE! We haven’t gone out for drinks with our friends so that we can watch TV. We could do that at home. Also, now brace yourself, it may shock you to hear this but there is a decent segment of the population who don’t give a rat’s ass about hockey, soccer, football, baseball, golf (My god! Golf?), UFC, or any other sport, for that matter. Again, if we wanted to watch a game with our friends we could just buy some beers and stay home. People who do, for mysterious reasons, want to go out with their friends and watch “the game” at a bar have a plethora of options . People who do not do not. Besides, why do you want all of that testosterone fueled aggression in your place? Why do you want all of that shouting and rivalry and the potential for destruction in or around your establishment if the home team wins (or doesn’t win)? You don’t.
• Clientele: Your bar will naturally attract a certain sort of customer. We won’t go into what sort of customer this is lest we be accused of some sort of snobbery. But you know what we’re saying. This is nothing but a good thing. They will pay their bills. They will tip well. They’ll probably eat something (well, most of them will). They won’t get into fights (well, most of them won’t). They won’t wreck the place. They’ll be a pleasure to do business with. If you find that other elements are infiltrating your bar, there are subtle ways of making them feel unwelcome. Slow or nonexistent service is the best option. Ultimately, though, your bar will do all the work of discouraging them. This is directly related to “Atmosphere”, “Music” and “TVs”. Most importantly: NO VLTs!
• Washrooms: Keep them clean and well maintained, just like your lines. The first sign of a declining drinking establishment is a foul washroom. Remember: You’re sort of in the business of making people have to use the can. Make it a nice experience as well.

If you follow all of these guidelines, we can assure you with great certainty, and the example of Tom’s Little Havana, that your business will be a success. And, we will thank you with our money.

** There are some who will point out that there are bars in Edmonton that resemble actual pubs. We can even say with some degree of accuracy which bars they will name. However, all of these establishments fail to meet many of the criteria outlined above. Name names and we will tell you how they have failed to meet the standards of Tom’s Little Havanafication.